Monday, August 6, 2012

Love the one your with

It is insane how much time can do to make a person feel sad and alone. After a breakup it is the worst feeling in the world especially when you didn't want to give up on it in the first place. This is the case for me, I found this amazing woman who was funny, smart and amazing. She was going through a rough time with family stuff and I wanted to be respectful. In all honesty, I wanted her all to myself and I wasn't able to show her the true feelings I had for her before we broke off what was one of the best relationships I've had in my life. She may have second guessed some of my choices because I was more open about who I am, but that only made me understand where she was coming from more than she realized, I went through it too. I wanted to be there for her and get through the bad parts with her. Because with the bad comes the good and every time I was with her I was so happy, I felt like myself again,  like I didn't have to hide who I was with her. She made me feel light and happy and loved. So when we broke off our relationship of 4 and 1/2 months, its safe to say that I was a little bit destroyed about it. I wanted to be with her more than she realized and I didn't want to force her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with or be something I knew she wasn't. She gave me the drive to try and start getting back to the gym, she was going everyday, and I'm guessing still does, and it encouraged me to feel that I should do the same. She has so much courage in the face of unspeakable pain and I miss her every second of every day. I don't know what to do, should I call her, text her, message her. Its been almost 3 months since we broke up and I feel like if I had a chance of getting back with her, that time has passed. I dream about her every night and catch myself thinking about her during class and at work. People have been coming at me with provocative requests and all I can think about is her. I don't want them I want her. But I feel as if I have become impotent in the face of seperation from her. I wish I knew what to do because I miss talking to her, I miss seeing her, I miss hanging out with her and being around her. She was someone I could confide in and I miss that too, she was there for me. She always made me feel better when I was sick. I just wish I had the courage to say this to her because she makes me feel so alive, she makes me feel like a person I can believe in and have faith in. I wanted to be everything for her and I feel like I failed miserably at that job. I just hope more than anything in the world that she is happy and well. Because I'm a wreck without her.

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